Apparently A Bitch

Well my life has gone to hell once again, hence the fact I barely blog.

Apparently I'm a grumpy bitch and no one like to be around me because of it. I never realized I was a bitch. This is new. Also never thought of myself as grumpy.

Am I really that bad of a person??

I know I have my moments but doesn't everyone? I guess I'm just worse than everyone else.

So now I have lost the majority of my friends, most people hate me, and I'm a complete loser. Sounds like a wonderful life right? Ya… not so much but there is nothing I can do.

I have started talking to this boy, we will call him Clyde. He is not necessarily the best boy for me to like but I can't help it. He's the "bad boy".  I feel like every girl has that one guy, that one temptation that they know they can't have.

Why do I call him Clyde? Because he's like my Clyde in the Bonnie and Clyde duo, except without the   stealing and the killing.

He's not all bad though. He does have a good side. He is trying to get my self- esteem up, which I desperately need. He's being a friend when I needed one and I am doing the same for him.
I don't think that abandoning someone when they most need it is the right thing, do you?

I'm just lonely and it sucks…

Is it too much to ask for a happy ending?

TTFN
Alice

Home sick and scared

Well it's only day two and I'm having a bit of a rough time. No one here knows about my brother so when I have a panic attack, like I did earlier, I have no one to talk to. There is a chance he could e coming home while I'm gone and I found out today that missing class in less for extreme medical reasons is unacceptable  and during finals, completely unacceptable, so I panicked.

Yes my aunt is right around the corner but at 12:00 at night, that won't help much:( 

I was outside my room crying while on the phone with my mom when one of the RAs came out and saw me. The first time she passed she mouthed," are you ok?" And I nodded. She came back twenty minutes later and I was still on the phone so she just quietly sat down next to me and waited till I got off the phone. So I quickly ended the phone call to talk to her. She again asked if I was ok and I said, " yes it's just extremely overwhelming and scary." And she comforted me about being away from home. She's from Scotland so she told me what it was like coming for we first semester. We talked for about twenty minutes and I immediately felt much better. 

My roommate was telling me how during acting class we have to get very personal and emotional and everyone was crying and I'm scared about it. I have that class tomorrow song have no idea what will happen. 

But if I freak during class I will come home an most likely tell my RA what is going on. 

Well it's bed time! More tomorrow!! 

TTFN

Bombshell

Jambo Wonderlanders!!!

I want to start off todays blog with apologizing for being such a terrible blogger. First off I very rarely ever blog and when I do its normally sad and depressing, which no one ever wants to read. But the thing is, is that thats my life. Its sucky and I feel like there is nothing I can do to fix it.

I have tried changing who I am to try to fit in and I cant live a double life like that anymore. I must be true to myself.

Everyone needs to be true to yourself. Forget everyone else. And think about you. Me, myself and I. And today I did just that.

About a month ago, I was given the opportunity to volunteer to perform at an Arts Festival. I did and today (well yesterday because its past midnight) was that day.

I sang a duet with my friend Patrice. The songs had to be songs from the fifties but we were able to bend the rules a bit because we sang Let Me Be Your Star from Smash because we were dressed as Marilyn Monroe.

Yes, I got to be Marilyn Monroe and I freaking loved every single minute of it! Some of the kids from Suessical, the show that I auditioned for and blogged about a while ago, just happened to be there. I went up to them and said hello and tried to be friendly but they were not having it. Normally I would let this bother me but today I didn't. I just kept going and I sang the hell out of my song and rocked it!! It was the best I have ever sang.

I was able to shake it off and keep going.

On Smash tonight the show Bombshell started its previews on broadway and being able to sing the theme song for that show as Marilyn the night it premired made me smile.

I feel like Marilyn helped me get through today. Helped me shake off the jerky comments from the Suessical kids and keep going.
 So thank you Marilyn.

I tried to make tonights blogs happy and inspirational. It didn't work well but I'm still learning.
Well TTFN,
Alice

It's a hard knock life

Well life sucks once again. It always seems to get better for a small period of time and then suck more than it did before. But it always happens to me. You would think I would be used to it by now but I'm not. It's never easy being in fights with friend or even losing a friend for that matter.
I always wonder what is wrong with me? Why can't I ever stay friends with anyone? Am I that horrible? And honestly I have no idea. Whenever someone is mad at me they never tell me.
It's reasons like this that I love theatre. I can escape this terrible world we live in, all the bullies, the terrifying nightmare that I live, and be someone totally different from myself. It's amazing that there is somewhere I can do that.
Maybe that's why it's been harder than normal this time around, because I'm not in a show.
This blog is probably horribly written and I apologize but I had to get my thoughts out.
But as of right now right quote is life sucks and them you die and this is because that is how I feel. I just want a friend. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is but there is nothing I can do about it. Sorry for the depressing post.
TTFN
Alice

P.s. in my next blog I will talk about my summer for this year!

My big fansie moment!!!

Wow! Its been a long time since I have blogged. I will fill you in with my life.

This past weekend was the choir departments NYC competition trip. The trip started off terrible. Everyone was sick. The competition day sucked because everyone was bitching at each other.

The plus of the competition day was that I met an extremely attractive boy from England who looks just like Matt Smith!!! I DIED!!!!

Anyway. On Saturday though everything turned around because it was a Newsies day! All day Newsies! And I don' t think I have mentioned this before but I am a fansie.

For non- newsies people a fansie is a big newsies fan.

We started the day with a newsies workshop. I had done one back in November that I liked much better but it was still fun. Then we got to walk around the city for a bit and then we went and saw newsies!
This was my second time seeing the show but I was just as excited!

The cast was on fire that day! It was amazing! After the show my friend and I stalked the stage door and got some autographs! I was most excited to see Andrew Keenan-Bolger who played Crutchie. We got to see him the day before he left the show. He came up to me and actually had a full conversation with me!!! I nearly died!! He was soo sweet!

After meeting some of the newsies we headed over to Gossip Restaurant for a cast party dinner. Some of the cast members from the show came and had dinner with us!! I cried I was so excited! Kara Lindsay came. She is my broadway idol. She is amazing and I got to have a full conversation with her. She gave me college advice and everything!! I was in heaven! It made the trip!

When I got home though, despite everything that happened, I got sick. I'm still sick and its been a week. I can barely eat and I'm weak. It sucks. Didn't go to school at all last week.

Well that has been what's going on with me lately.

Oh Btw. Today is St. Patrick's day also known as my brothers birthday. It has been 12 birthdays since he has been home. Hopefully next year we can celebrate as a family. Miss him soo much!

TTFN,
Alice

Alone in the Universe

Sorry its been so long but life has been pretty crazy lately. This passed weekend I had auditions Friday through Sunday. It was nuts!!!

Friday and Sunday auditions were for a show called Seussical the Musical. If you have never heard of it, go look it up its an amazing show.

ANYWAY.....

I wanted the role of Miss Gertrude Mcfuzz. She is a bird with one feather for a tail. She is very awkward like me. I have been working on my audition for weeks I wanted it so bad! Then I found out that my crush, we will call him Horton(hehe see what i did there), wanted to play Horton! Horton and Gertrude are the two star crossed lovers of the show. He told me that he wanted to be Horton and Gertrude together!!

I almost died!!! Now me and Horton have a passed. I met him in 7th grade when I played his wife in Beauty and the Beast. We had a "thing" but nothing happened. Ever since then I have always wanted him to be my first kiss. It could still be him btw.

We worked on our auditions going back and forth waiting for callbacks and what not. Then we BOTH got callbacks. I was soo excited i got to see him, for the first time in weeks. We got to callbacks and when I saw him I knew I had fallen for him again. My nerves went away when we talked and I was happy as a clam. Then they split the girl and the guys up. The nerves came back and I felt like no one else wanted me there but him. He got sent home after about forty-five minutes and was keeping me posted on how they were running things.

In the mean time they had handed all the girl Mazie's song to learn. Now I am NO Mazie. I'm not skinny nor pretty. I'm not the perfect dancer. I couldn't sing Mazie's song. I was one of the few girl who had to sing that song and it sucked. I was so mad at myself. Then they called a few girls to sing for Gertrude.... I was not one of them...

I was crushed. Right then I knew i was not going to even get to sing for Gertrude. I didn't have the chance to prove to them that i would be perfect. But no they had me sing for a bird girl. In the end they offered me a bird girl but i turned it down. I knew i would not be able to have fun knowing that i failed at even getting to show them my version of Gertrude.

Now Horton on the other hand... got Horton the elephant!!! I am soo happy for him!! He will be amazing! I knew he would get it!

But we were suppose to be Horton and Gertrude TOGETHER...

He knows how devastated i am. He wants me to take call the theatre and ask for my role back just so i can be in the show with him... HE wanted me too...

And this makes me wonder, had i accepted it and done the show, would something happen between me and him? Does he still feel the same way he did three years ago? So many things are running through my head. And just to make everything better. Its valentine's day week. The worst week ever. But if i had accepted the role, would i have a valentine this year?


These are my thoughts. I will either blog later or tomorrow. There is so much on my mind right now. But TTFN

Alice

P.S. Notice me Horton.....

Inception

Is it possible for someone to plant an idea in your head and it grows?

For example: My friend Victoria over the summer told me that my friend Jake and I would make a cute couple.

I pondered on this idea for a little bit and thought it would be funny because it would be the Finn and Rachel relationship. Jake and I are both in theatre but he also plays football.
I laughed at the idea and said he would never go for a girl like me. Well summer passed and it was around Christmas time. We were at rehearsal for our Arts department Christmas Show called Holiday Spectacular. Now Jake can be a very immature guy, when he is around his friend but what guy isn't, and I know this about him. But I started to notice that he would change every time he was around me. Even if his friends were around. He would become this charming gentlemen. He would be so down to earth and personal with me but not the friend zone kind of thing. I just went with the flow and didn't much of it till recently at children's show rehearsal.

My friend Phoebe and I are playing twins in the children's show and Jake is playing our father. I was talking to my friend Phoebe about what Victoria had said and she joked with me about it. Yesterday at rehearsal I looked at Jake in a different way. I felt something different. But again I just brushed it off and kept rehearsing.

Tonight at rehearsal I was doing Jake's hair and he was freaking out because my friend Catey was trying to straighten his hair. When she was done he was so embarrassed and I could tell he was uncomfortable so I was trying to make him laugh. He started telling me how he was scared that his team mates would see him and that they would make fun of him. I said to him, "I understand. I have been uncomfortable about costumes and hair and makeup too. This one time I stopped eating because I was so uncomfortable about a costume." And he said,"Last year for football, I had to drop 20 pounds just so I could play." I replied,"I dropped 30 pounds in one week because I had stopped eating and worked out so hard, and with stress all because I was uncomfortable with a costume and the costumer wouldn't listen to me." He looked at me for a second with a very sad and shocked look on his face and just gave me a big hug.

And thats when I realized it... I think I like Jake. Not just as a friend. I got butterflies in my stomach when I hugged him.

Could what Victoria said over the summer been part of the influence to make me feel this way? I'm not even positive I do like him or if it is just because of what Victoria said.

I will continue the story later and will tell my next boy drama story later. TTFN
Alice

P.S. I finally figured it out. I don't like him. Or if I did, it passed by quick!!! My real crush is my next blog.

A Little Bit About Me

I have never done this before and have never thought to start a blog. But I was inspired by my friend Pheobe, who also has a blog:  http://pheobephenix.blogspot.com/   Check it out.  

Anyway, my name is Alice. I am not your normal/average teenager but to be honest I'm not sure what normal/average really mean is this case. But now for the real story.

When I was just four years of age my brother was arrested and put on Virginia's Death Row. He was falsely accused. I did not know what was going on at the time. I was told that my brother went away to college. Then as I got older I was told he was in jail and eventually at the age of 10 found out that the government wanted to kill my brother for something he didn't do. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, which was difficult. There were times when the kids my age would complain about some simple thing and it would annoy me and I would just want to scream in their face, "At least the government doesn't want to kill your brother!" I am 16 now and everything is much harder. Last year I was finally allowed to post things on Facebook and Twitter, I could tell my friends. My mom spoke at my church Youth Group about my family and most of my friends couldn't even talk to me immediately after the event. They didn't know how to respond. They talk to me now, well some of them do but all of my friends have come and gone. Life has not been the easiest for me and I feel like it will only get harder. But people will tell me differently. 

I have always had trouble making and keeping friends. I was always that girl who was too mature for everyone else. I was different. I was the girl who loved theatre. I went to two different elementary schools because the bullying was so horrible and I was in Catholic school. Middle School was the worst. People would call me names due to the thing that I like such as Disney. I would come home and just cry all the time because of how mean some people were to me. I lost my best friends in the entire world in middle school and she still won't talk to me. I had to leave half way through 8th grade year because of bullying. In high school I was the first freshmen girl in twelve years to make it in to the top show choir but I ended being the outcast of the group. My classmates would tell me that I didn't belong. The our teacher never should have put me in the choir. I wanted to quit but I stuck with it. I'm still having some issues fitting in but they aren't as bad as last year. 

My life has been a living hell the past few years. Between school and my brother's up and down roller coaster, I'm surprised I haven't given up on life. I feel like I have been through everything and it sucks. 

This first blog ended being longer than I had intended but that's ok. I just wanted everyone to get the idea.  Its a nice start. I will tell more in depth stories about trying to live the life God gave me in later blogs. TTFN 

Positively Alice